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With Free Kindergarten/School Prep Checklist Coming Soon

When my oldest started Kindergarten—I thought I was well-prepared and knew what to expect. I am an expert in child development and I was working in a K-6 school at the time-how hard could it be? In some respects, I was prepared. I knew there would be adjustments and that would affect behavior. Kindergarten comes with a host of changes all at once: new teachers, new peers, exposure to older peers, schedule changes, bus/transportation changes, extra-curriculars, different rules, new foods, changes in routines, a new social world to navigate. And all of that doesn’t even touch the academic demands of Kindergarten. Yes, Kindergarten is the “introduction” year to school-some schools still nap, some schools only do half day Kindergarten, and so on. However, very quickly my child had homework and was learning reading, more advanced writing, and counting-even adding and subtracting faster than I could blink. All of these changes, mixed with both my child’s individual temperament (more tentative, reserved, and people-oriented), my own expectations and adjustments as a parent, my partner’s expectations and adjustments, and our particular teacher’s individual expectations-made for a melting pot of worry, stress, and anxiety. This became a tumultuous several months for our family. It didn’t help that my child already tended toward anxious thoughts and behaviors (courtesy of her father and myself), and that so much change all at once overwhelmed even our well-resourced family (we have knowledge of mental health, behavior, and systems, family and friend support, financial stability, and strong relationships).

Here’s what happened, how we handled it, and what I would suggest and do differently in hindsight as a first-time Kindergarten parent. While I offer more lengthy explanations below, the coming free downloadable checklist offers a quick rundown of these reflections and suggestions.

What happened: Tantrums. Meltdowns. Capital T, capital M. Bedtime became an absolute battleground (this, I had anticipated), but the sheer extent of it was overwhelming at times. Mornings were either rushed beyond all reason or we had such epic fits of crying, resistance, and worry from our child that they were late to school. Clothes we had bought were disallowed at school. My child’s teacher gave them messages that didn’t always reach me and thus were communicated in 5-year-old language from school to home. My child’s worry increased, my partner and I began arguing more often, and we waffled between being supportive and curt with one another. In short: we were a tired, worried, anxious, frustrated mess.

How we handled it: I want to be clear before I go into detail about steps we took that we did not always handle it well. There was yelling (always a deep regret in our home), there were tears (both child and parent), there were arguments (both child and parent), and so on. More on that in the suggestions piece below. What we did do, prior to starting K, was this: exposure. This looked like trying to take advantage of every school exposure possible: Meet and Greet day, Kindergarten bus ride-along, website pictures, joining the school parent organization, books on Kindergarten and school, and talking with our child. All of these things, I would do again and again-highly recommend. Once K began and we began to meet some hiccups, we turned to real-time adjustments: adjusting wake-up time, more prepping the night before, communication with the teacher, attending parent-teacher conferences, attending school functions, allowing moments of distress, changing the way we communicated, more conversations with one another (as caregivers), and finally-reaching out the school counselor. It was at that point that I felt desperate. Going through my mind was: Have I done something wrong? Is this teacher a bad fit? Why can’t I handle this better? Is there something wrong with my child (and, never far behind, what have I done to cause this)? Going through my more anxious partner’s mind was: Is our child falling behind academically and will this affect them for the rest of their life? Is this teacher terrible? Do we need to see a professional to assess ADHD (more on this in another blog)? What is wrong with me?

Suggestions and Do-it-Differently:

·       Prep: I highly recommend taking the exposure steps we took above. Especially if you have the added adjustment of Pre-K either not existing or being in a completely different environment than K.

·       More Prep: Additionally, I wish I had worked to create more communication with the teacher ahead of time. Questions I didn’t know or think to ask, that I would have: What are your classroom expectations/rules? How do you communicate these to the students? What are your classroom values (i.e., what does this particular teacher place the most emphasis on: is it compliance, respect, academic achievement, and so on). How do you handle misbehavior (and what do you consider misbehavior)?

o   I want to be clear here that the goal is not to tell the teacher what we do at home that works for our particular child (unless there is very specific behavior/need for this). The goal is to get a broad understanding of the language and classroom culture so that at home, I can reinforce the classroom expectations, fill in gaps that a teacher of 15-22+ students does not have the luxury of filling, and discuss nuances of responses and difference with my child. An example of nuance: My child’s teacher was very dismissive of tears (this is not a judgment, just an observation) whereas my child was used to having some form comfort any time they cried, this did not occur in K. This was a combination of teacher temperament and expectations, and ability in a large classroom. I did not find this out until a parent-teacher conference a few months into the school year. Knowing this early on would have allowed me to hold more space at home, and prepare my child for this shift from their Pre-K teacher and home life to their K life. I could have also prepared the teacher that this would be an adjustment for our child.

·  Resources: I would have asked about school resources well before school began. Honestly, I probably would have started this around the time of registration or roughly 3-4 weeks before the end of the prior school year. I say this because I missed some opportunities and had some questions that weren’t able to be answered until after the school year started due to the way school schedules work. This means: What K prep options are available (some schools have an exposure week, or a K camp, etc.) What summer programs/prep does the school or the K teachers recommend? Would they be willing to let me bring my child to a school event for exposure? Is there a current K parent/family that would be willing to connect with me? What is the procedure for connecting with the K teacher once assigned? What after-school and extra-curricular services are available throughout the year? What counseling services are available? What social work services are available? What happens if I have a strong academic concern for my child (i.e., who do I talk to, what testing can I request, and so on)? Insert any other specific questions you may have here. And yes, I realize this could be exhausting/overwhelming to some school staff. However, as a former school staff myself—I would have loved getting these questions from a parent and engaging them early on.

· Communication: Changing my communication with my child. I know there are a thousand suggestions on this out there, but here is my two-cents. I often asked my child questions when they were upset such as: What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you upset? These truly left us both frustrated and further escalated at times. About a month into school, and after a couple of miscommunications between my child and I and myself and the teacher, I changed my strategy. I began asking, “What did you hear me say? (Insert whatever person here: teacher, sibling, peer, school staff, etc.). This question was a game-changer, because my child began to tell me what was going on in their head without me trying to decipher through scenarios and guessing. It left room for clarification, understanding, validation, and change to take place.

· More Communication: Communication with my partner: Honestly, we were not on the same page. My goal/value for K and school was not fully aligned with my partner’s goals and values. This was not something I even realized until we started butting heads (insert my 3-year-old laughing hysterically at “butting” here). It took us the better part of the K year to become more aligned. In hindsight, I wish we had set aside time to communicate our values and goals related to our child(ren) and school/academics before stating K. Upon further reflection, we should have set aside the time to formally do this once we realized we weren’t always on the same page throughout the year. Instead, we pieced together often tense and frustrated conversations about this throughout the year, many times in reaction to something that had occurred with our child (a tantrum, a parent-teacher conference, etc.).

· Support: Seeking further support. While I did reach out to the school counselor, and would do so again, here is what I would do differently. I sent an email to the school counselor to request an observation and noted some of the behavioral difficulties we were having with our child. While I would do this again-I would do so differently. I would include the teacher on all communication (emails and follow-up emails to any phone calls)-we are one team, working together here. I would request formal and informal documentation on all observations. I did not do this, and got extremely minimal verbal follow-up from the counselor after one observation. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that this led to no follow-up from me or the school.

o   Once the behavior began to disrupt our home life (missing the bus, being late to work, arguments, etc.), I would have found extra support outside of the school immediately. This could look like one or more of the following, depending on your particular situation:

• Parent groups (with parents in a similar situation/stage of life)

• Children’s groups (especially if social skills were a concern)

• Individual parent/family support: my husband and I absolutely would have benefitted from some family and/or couples counseling to help facilitate important conversations during this time

• Individual therapy for the child: this was the most highly considered option in our family. I will never not consider this option now and in the future. The power of a therapeutic relationship for a child that is navigating these big life adjustments alongside their caregivers cannot be understated. Giving my child the gift of an adult that can hold unconditional positive regard for them is priceless. Yes, I am biased.

• Formal consultation and testing: I actually spoke with a child psychologist I am familiar with during the K year to get a second opinion. I did not believe my child’s behavior/functioning/achievement warranted formal testing/assessment. My child’s teacher (and sometimes my partner) disagreed. Speaking with another expert in this area gave me the reassurance I needed to continue supporting my child in the ways we already were and to know what to look for in the future that might give cause for more testing/formal intervention. This was priceless to me and reassuring to my partner. More on this in a later blog.

In conclusion, when in doubt, seek help. I and many other professionals offer free consultations that can guide you in the right direction on what, if any, services you or your family would benefit from. I will not suggest a service that isn’t needed and love sussing out specific (and many times free) resources for individual needs.

Take heart! There are actionable steps you can take to be prepared for K and every school year. Life also has a way of throwing you curve balls you weren’t prepared for-and no one can ever truly be prepared for every eventuality.

If you made it this far: bless you. If you skipped here looking to download the free checklist: I completely understand. It's coming ASAP!